All's Fair in Food and Guns
by karrot bear
Summary: Come follow Tsuna as he makes his way through the treacheries of working in the Namimori Food Court. With turf wars, a shady manager and a lazy coworker will he ever succeed in making this burger-joint number one? Or will he be just another dumpster body?
1. Chapter 1

'Uke or seme? What type of question is that?!'

Tsunayoshi Sawada stared down at his application form. This was to be his first job but seriously? Did most employers want to know this? Preference was bordering but position? This was just a little too weird for his tastes. But he needed money and his mother was standing by waiting for him to grow up and get a job.

After staring for a few minutes he sighed and begrudgingly circled uke.

---

Okay! Finally finished! Yay!

Looking back he mentally cried. He had a snowball's chance in hell of being hired but at least he could say he tried. His answers were more than pathetic.

_Experience-none_.

_Strengths-endurance_. This answer had been scribbled out numerous times and finally endurance was chosen. He does endure failing at life every day.

_Talents-being able to withstand falling down stairs_. This one had been left blank till the end, you can see why.

The more he looked back the more he cringed till suddenly the dreaded paper was slipped into a manila envelope and off he went.

'Kaa-san, I'm going to the mall.'

* * *

'Welcome to the Namimori Shopping Center!'

The signs greeted our desperate hero as he entered. Did you know that **% teenagers get their first jobs in food courts? Well Tsuna was trying to become part of that percentage as he trudged towards his doom. But perhaps a little background information is needed.

The Namimori Shopping Center had been built seven years ago and was not your average mall. It had four stories, over four hundred stores and one of the strangest food courts to have ever been built. The large fountain in the middle sprayed water on uninvited guests and there was always some sort of ruckus going on in the background. When one visited the food court for a drink or maybe a pretzel you had this cozy cover-up feeling. Yes everyone was nice to customers but there always seemed to be something lurking in the background, a flash of steel and the smell of of freshly cleaned floors. Walking through it with folder in hand, Tsuna couldn't help but feel unnerved. There was something off about the place now. Sure there were mothers trying to get their kid to eat that last bite in the background and sure there was still somebody forcing a flyer on you but the air was just _tense_. Everyone behind a counter seemed to stare, some friendly some not.

Tsuna was starting to get really freaked out. Just a few more tables and then he'd be safe.

CRASH.

Or not.

The victims happened to be Tsuna and a chair. It would have been funny if it not for being so sad.

'Whoa there, need some help?'

Tsuna's savior happened to be golden haired twenty something year old. His smile had a calming effect on our poor lad.

'Uh, thanks?'

The man smiled again till he noticed the envelope.

'Applying for a job?'

The tone sounded guarded, which surprised Tsuna. Surely he couldn't be competition for a job?

'Yeah, at Vongola's™.'

'Oh that place. Well hope you get it!'

And the man, relieved, sauntered off stopping to talk to few girls drinking shakes.

'Kay that was weird.

* * *

'So, Sawada-san...'

The manager of Vongola's™ just seemed a little shady. The blacked out window, fedora and gun polishing set was making Tsuna mildly freaked out. Actually a lot but it's best not to show fear in front of these people, they'll eat you alive.

'Your credentials are lacking, you have no experience, your talent is useless in a one story building....'

The insults continued and with each one Tsuna found a little part of himself dying.

'You're hired.'

'Eh?'

The manager raised an eyebrow.

'I said you're hired. Don't make me repeat myself. Your training starts now. After that you'll be assessed to see where you belong. Good day.'

He pressed a button under the desk and Tsuna found himself flung from his seated position into the back kitchen.

* * *

'Thought he'd hire you.'

The man from before gave Tsuna a nod. An apron and hat was tossed his way.

'I'm Giotto. I'm the shift manager and the head cook. Guess I'm in charge of training you.'

'Tsuna. Sorry.'

'Huh, oh don't worry about it.'

He waved away Tsuna's apologetic comment and moved some crates revealing a door. Entering he turned back to see Tsuna mouth agape.

'Well come on Tsuna. It's time to welcome you to Vongola's™ Hell.'

Sweat drop.

Dear God what have I gotten myself into?

* * *

Cries...I've had this idea forever and writing it so badly makes me cry inside....

The whole premise is based off the book Dogby Walks Alone but no one's in a dog suit(yet)...

This may or may not continue based off of feed back....

If this continues there will be pairnings...lots of BL and het...no G27 though sorry....


	2. Chapter 2

hello apparently this is now a G27 fic...

second, this chapter has been completely rewritten because the other one made me cringe

third this story is not my baby and will only be updated occasionally

* * *

Blink.

'Giotto-san, what is this?'

'The freezer.'

'Why are we in here?'

'Because I-_we_ have to do inventory.'

Tsuna stared up at his trainer who was rubbing his arms cursing the 'goddamn frozen food'.

'Okay, as part of your training count every box of frozen patties.'

'S-seriously?!'

The freezer stretched to as far as the eye could see and looking at each box the label wasn't exactly specific. Before he could properly protest, however, Tsuna found himself with a clipboard, pen and yawning Giotto.

Lovely.

* * *

Uh first box

Quantity-1

Date-14 June 1996

Type-Mystery Meat

Stare.

Open.

'Hiii!'

'Eh, what is it Tsuna?'

'T-There's a body in HERE!'

'Ah no that's a pig.'

'But it says mystery meat and that-'

'It. Is. A. Pig.'

The calm stare of Giotto was supposed to be relaxing but Tsuna could only stare in shock as he nonchalantly closed the box and placed on the top shelf, not so surprisingly out of Tsuna's reach.

'Tsuna just look for cow by-product boxes okay?'

'Y-yeah, sure.'

* * *

Cow boxes. Cow boxes. Okay 'sort of but not really cow' boxes.

Strolling through the immense freezer that was hidden in the back of a mall fast food Tsuna couldn't help feel mildly freaked out. There were several more of those 'pig' mystery meat boxes but after the first experience and the fact Giotto seemed to know everything he did without opening his eyes/waking from his nap, Tsuna just left them alone.

'Huh, what's this one?'

This box actually said cow on it, not mystery meat, not beef patties and not cow by-products. Cow. But since technically human remains count as pig he hesitated before opening it.

Thump.

Oh god it moved.

*Muffled shouts*

Oh god it's saying something!

'Hii! P-please don't kill me!'

'Murble grumble mumble.'(muffled gibbersih)

'Um...sorry?'

'Murble. Grumble. Mumble.'

Sweat drop.

_Open the box Tsuna, you can do it. Show some backbone!  
_

Creak.

'Who am I? I am Lambo! Who are you? Not Lambo!'

Out popped a demented little afro creature in a cow suit and that proceeded to knock TSuna over, deranged cacklings spilling out of his mouth.

'GYA HA HA!'

'Oh god, she broke up with him again.'

'G-GIOTTO-SAN! W-what is this thing?'

'Your co-worker ten years ago.'

Saying this the blonde pried the small mushroom being off his trainee looking none to pleased.

'Bya-bya-'

'Oh shut up and get back in the box.'

'But but Lambo-san-'

Poof.

The pink smoke spread out through the chilled space, filling Tsuna's lungs with who knows how many dangerous chemicals in process causing him to flail about wildly. But being Dame-Tsuna he didn't have the best coordination. Actually he didn't have any and went crashing into the nearest object alternatively known as Giotto. When everything cleared a curly haired teenager was staring at one very embarassed tuna laying on top of a surprised Italian.

'Well Tsuna I hope you plan on doing a proper job and taking responsibility.'

'Hii!'

* * *

'Achoo!'

'Ah you got the sniffles, come here.'

'N-No! It's fine Giotto-san!'

Forhead flick.

'It's just Giotto. Or Super Great Shift Manager Giotto the First-sama, I'm not picky.'

Sweat drop.

'Right. So what was that guy earlier?'

'Lambo, we hired him awhile back. He's in charge of inventory at the moment and depending on how well you do at the register you might be his subordinate.'

Eep.

'But why was he..?'

'His girlfriend I-Pin, bless her soul, is constantly breaking up with him.'

'But-'

'You really want to understand that guy?'

Glance over to Lambo sitting outside of freezer, who is at the moment picking his nose.

'Uh...'

'Thought so.'

* * *

Sometime after rush hour.

'Okay let's try this again, I'm a customer and I want two large fries, three Vongola burgers and a small diet Coke.'

'Fatass.'

'Shut up Lambo and do your job!'

Beep. Click. Beep.

'Um your total is fifty-nine dollars and sixty-two cents.'

Giotto stared in disbelief at Tsuna. They had been doing this for about an hour now and he hadn't done anything right, he either over or undercharged the_ same order_. Sure his looks fit perfect for the register, who could deny that adorable face when asked if they would like to 'lock and load that order'?

'No it would be sixteen dollars and twenty-two cents.'

'Oh.'

Tsuna looked down at the register's keyboard that had too many buttons to actually make sense. What the hell is the sniper button used for anyway? And what's 'lazers, lazers and more lazers'? More importantly why do you need that as a fast food button?

'That's okay you're shift is over anyway. We'll finish up tomorrow.'

The taller man placed a reassuring hand and his shorter counterpart who tried to believe his hopeful words but really, they both knew it was hopeless.

'C'mon, I'm sure I can sweet talk Dino into sneaking us some chicken strips.'

Tsuna nodded, untying his apron and hung it up grimacing when he saw the 'Newbie' sticker above it. Or maybe it was the fact he was going to be eating chicken made from God knows what?

* * *

meh, I write short chapters about 1000 words long so don't expect much...

others will be sorta introduced next time....that is all for now....

The review button is dressed as Pikachu. Click to get an electricfying hug.


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